Choosing Motherhood on Her Own Terms: A True Story

Many women who aren’t in steady relationships still regularly think about having children. Statistics from 2009 showed that 40% of the US population comes from single-parent homes. Some women choose to be single moms because they believe it’s their only chance to have kids, while others end up as single parents due to their situations. One thing is certain: being a single mother presents unique challenges, and a woman must be prepared for everything that comes after making such a life-changing choice.

When a woman hits 35, her chances of getting pregnant decrease compared to when she was in her twenties. At that age, she might need help from a fertility specialist. Artificial insemination is an option for women without a suitable partner. She would need to pick a sperm donor and consider his legal rights since he probably won’t be involved in the child’s life. If the court doesn’t grant her sole custody, the father still has the right to be in the child’s life.

Finances are another big concern for potential single moms. Raising a child is expensive. A single mother should have enough money to cover at least six months of rent along with all her regular household expenses, including utilities.

A friend of ours shared a story that many single mothers can relate to. Despite the joy Ellen (not her real name) felt in sharing little moments with her child, she sometimes wished there was a father to share these experiences with. However, Ellen had stayed single throughout her thirties and felt her biological clock ticking, knowing that her chances of conceiving were slipping away. Instead of waiting for the right man, she decided to have a baby on her own because she couldn’t bear the thought of never having a child.

Ellen went through fertility treatments for four years, including five IVF cycles and three failed pregnancies, eventually having her child at a cost of about $54,000. Her daughter became the joy of her life, and she loved her more than words could express. Yet, she often worried about never having enough money to adequately care for her child. Living in a small apartment and needing to ask friends’ husbands for help with household tasks like fixing her computer and assembling furniture was frustrating.

Her story mirrors that of many single mothers. Some days, she barely has time to brush her hair after getting her toddler ready. At the end of her day, there’s no partner to help with bath time, bedtime stories, or to talk about their day. A single mother does everything herself—laundry, cleaning, dishes, and finding the always-missing TV remote.

Before her child was born, Ellen’s social life didn’t involve exciting dates or nights out. She enjoyed dinners with friends, movies, and quiet evenings with a good book. Now, her life revolves around green tea, migraines, and exhaustion. She still believes her soulmate is out there but doesn’t have time to look for him. She’s learned about courage, determination, commitment, loneliness, focus, and resourcefulness.

Ellen has found reliable men to help with tasks like assembling IKEA furniture for her daughter’s room, but their help doesn’t replace having a father. Once, her daughter’s nursery school teacher showed the kids a picture of a man shaving and asked who had a daddy that shaved every morning. All the kids said their daddies did, but Ellen’s daughter was confused and said nothing.

Ellen could only tell her daughter that she loved her. She realized that being a single mother is both challenging and rewarding, albeit with some tough moments as well. Despite the difficulties, the experience of parenting is filled with joy, emotional hurdles, and practical struggles, especially as a single parent, but it’s so worth it!